Restorative Communication: Difference between revisions
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* Little likelihood of people developing any sense of "Doing it wrong" or "Trying to do it right." | * Little likelihood of people developing any sense of "Doing it wrong" or "Trying to do it right." | ||
* Mixture of experience levels deepens practice and learning | * Mixture of experience levels deepens practice and learning | ||
* [https://ee450fd5-b32d-4cff-a0f8-94fef0a52f2e.usrfiles.com/ugd/ee450f_e1ae94fce1194f44a5f9d74fb56a292b.pdf Communication Dojo Connected Conversation Overview PDF] | |||
== Practice Exercises == | |||
We can practice restorative and connected communication with some exercises designed to simulate real-world situations. | |||
* '''Observations:''' Practice making observations in a neutral, descriptive way without including judgements or blame. | |||
* '''Feelings & Needs:''' Practice expressing how you're feeling about something and what needs you might feel aren't being met. | |||
* '''Empathy Guesses:''' Practice guessing what the other person might be feeling in particular situations and clarifying till you figure it out. This develops familiarity with the Feelings & Needs Inventories and makes it easier to get it right more quickly. | |||
* '''Making offers & requests:''' Practice offering and requesting things that would meet both parties' needs for mutual understanding. |
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Restorative communication is a way to repair relationships that have been damaged by conflict, and prevent future conflicts from arising. By making simple changes in our language, we can experience dramatic shifts in our results.
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Restorative communication is similar to non-violent communication (NVC) and both involve talking in terms of observations, feelings, needs and requests to reach mutual understandings. We've included excerpts here from the GKI Restorative Communication Guide, helpful NVC references like the feelings and needs inventories, and some links to additional videos, practice exercises and free or sliding scale trainings.
Core Concepts
Here are the Core Concepts of Restorative Practices:
- How we feel is important. Our emotional state has enormous impact on our ability to be productive, experience enjoyment and satisfaction, and make positive connections with others.
- All conflicts share an underlying structure. Conflict arises when someone does or says something that we find harmful, and we want them to stop or change their behavior.
- Threatening language backfires. When we want someone to change their behavior, we usually use threats, fear, or punishment to get them to change. “If you show up late again, you’re fired.”
- Communicating observations, feelings, needs and requests restores connection. Using Restorative Communication, by clearly expressing our needs and offering the space for others to do the same, we can create change through building greater connection, compassion, and collaboration. “What can I do to support you in being prepared and on time for the meeting tomorrow?”
PRACTICE L.F.O.A.
Think of a specific event that occurred recently. Describe the exact behavior you would like to see changed.
- LOOK: Describe what you saw happen.
- FEEL: What are some of the emotions you felt as a result of this happening?
- What do you think the other person is feeling, and why?
- OFFER: Is there something you can offer to do for this person to help get their needs met in a different way?
- ASK: What specifically would you like them to do differently? Write down the S.M.A.R.T. alternate action that you would like them to take.
Examples
Here are some example sentences you can practice using to connect with someone and reach a mutual understanding that helps.
SMART Agreements
When you offer something and/or ask for something to reaceh a mutual understanding with someone, try to ensure that your offers and asks cover these criteria:
- Specific: Describe exactly the behavior you want to seee.
- Measurable: Give discreet amounts or countable things so that meeting the goal is clear.
- Actionable: Make it something you can physically do.
- Realistic: Is this a realistic expectation for this person at this time?
- Timely: Timebox your request. Set a timeframe for it to happen in.
Global Kindness Initiative
WWW.KINDUS.ORG is the GKI site with more information and training if you want to learn more and organize a session for your organization.
GKI Restorative Communication Downloads
The above text is from the Global Kindness Initiative guides. Download them for yourself here:
Feelings
It can be hard to think of the right words to describe feelings for ourselves, let alone to guess how someone else is feeling.
The Center for Nonviolent Communication publishes a nice Feelings Inventory list:
Positive Feelings
Feelings when your needs are satisfied:
AFFECTIONATE compassionate friendly loving open hearted sympathetic tender warm
ENGAGED absorbed alert curious engrossed enchanted entranced fascinated interested intrigued involved spellbound stimulated
HOPEFUL expectant encouraged optimistic
CONFIDENT empowered open proud safe secure
EXCITED amazed animated ardent aroused astonished dazzled eager energetic enthusiastic giddy invigorated lively passionate surprised vibrant
GRATEFUL appreciative moved thankful touched
INSPIRED amazed awed wonder
JOYFUL amused delighted glad happy jubilant pleased tickled
EXHILARATED blissful ecstatic elated enthralled exuberant radiant rapturous thrilled
PEACEFUL calm clear headed comfortable centered content equanimous fulfilled mellow quiet relaxed relieved satisfied serene still tranquil trusting
REFRESHED enlivened rejuvenated renewed rested restored revive
Negative Feelings
Feelings when your needs are not satisfied
AFRAID apprehensive dread foreboding frightened mistrustful panicked petrified scared suspicious terrified wary worried
ANNOYED aggravated dismayed disgruntled displeased exasperated frustrated impatient irritated irked
ANGRY enraged furious incensed indignant irate livid outraged resentful
AVERSION animosity appalled contempt disgusted dislike hate horrified hostile repulsed
CONFUSED ambivalent baffled bewildered dazed hesitant lost mystified perplexed puzzled torn
DISCONNECTED alienated aloof apathetic bored cold detached distant distracted indifferent numb removed uninterested withdrawn
DISQUIET agitated alarmed discombobulated disconcerted disturbed perturbed rattled restless shocked startled surprised troubled turbulent turmoil uncomfortable uneasy unnerved unsettled upset
EMBARRASSED ashamed chagrined flustered guilty mortified self-conscious
FATIGUE beat burnt out depleted exhausted lethargic listless sleepy tired weary worn out
PAIN agony anguished bereaved devastated grief heartbroken hurt lonely miserable regretful remorseful
SAD depressed dejected despair despondent disappointed discouraged disheartened forlorn gloomy heavy hearted hopeless melancholy unhappy wretched
TENSE anxious cranky distressed distraught edgy fidgety frazzled irritable jittery nervous overwhelmed restless stressed out
VULNERABLE fragile guarded helpless insecure leery reserved sensitive shaky
YEARNING envious jealous longing nostalgic pining wistful
Needs
Describing what you need can be harder than just describing the feeling. CNVC has a Needs Inventory] list as well.
CONNECTION acceptance affection appreciation belonging cooperation communication closeness community companionship compassion consideration consistency empathy inclusion intimacy love mutuality nurturing respect/self-respect safety security stability support to know and be known to see and be seen to understand and be understood trust warmth
PHYSICAL WELL-BEING air food movement/exercise rest/sleep sexual expression safety shelter touch water
HONESTY authenticity integrity presence
PLAY joy humor
PEACE beauty communion ease equality harmony inspiration order
AUTONOMY choice freedom independence space spontaneity
MEANING awareness celebration of life challenge clarity competence consciousness contribution creativity discovery efficacy effectiveness growth hope learning mourning participation purpose self-expression stimulation to matter understanding
COMMUNICATION DOJO CLASSES
If you would like to learn connected conversation / NVC skills in a wonderful free/sliding scale class, Newt's Communication Dojo hosts a drop-in workshop every Monday night from 7-9PM.
Some features of the Communication Dojo practice environment:
- Chances to use your real-life situations to guide experiential learning
- Efficient use of group time to maximize learning
- High proportion of practice time in pairs - learning communication by communicating.
- Minimal "jargon" i.e. language that might be confusing or alienating for those not familiar with NVC.
- Little likelihood of people developing any sense of "Doing it wrong" or "Trying to do it right."
- Mixture of experience levels deepens practice and learning
- Communication Dojo Connected Conversation Overview PDF
Practice Exercises
We can practice restorative and connected communication with some exercises designed to simulate real-world situations.
- Observations: Practice making observations in a neutral, descriptive way without including judgements or blame.
- Feelings & Needs: Practice expressing how you're feeling about something and what needs you might feel aren't being met.
- Empathy Guesses: Practice guessing what the other person might be feeling in particular situations and clarifying till you figure it out. This develops familiarity with the Feelings & Needs Inventories and makes it easier to get it right more quickly.
- Making offers & requests: Practice offering and requesting things that would meet both parties' needs for mutual understanding.