Restorative Communication

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Restorative communication is a way to repair relationships that have been damaged by conflict, and prevent future conflicts from arising. By making simple changes in our language, we can experience dramatic shifts in our results.

Restorative communication is similar in some ways to a streamlined version of non-violent communication (NVC) and both involve talking in terms of observations, feelings, needs and requests to reach mutual understandings. We've included excerpts here from the GKI Restorative Communication Guide, helpful NVC references like the feelings and needs inventories, and some links to additional videos, practice exercises and free or sliding scale trainings.

Core Concepts

Here are the Core Concepts of Restorative Practices:

  • How we feel is important. Our emotional state has enormous impact on our ability to be productive, experience enjoyment and satisfaction, and make positive connections with others.
  • All conflicts share an underlying structure. Conflict arises when someone does or says something that we find harmful, and we want them to stop or change their behavior.
  • Threatening language backfires. When we want someone to change their behavior, we usually use threats, fear, or punishment to get them to change. “If you show up late again, you’re fired.”
  • Communicating observations, feelings, needs and requests restores connection. Using Restorative Communication, by clearly expressing our needs and offering the space for others to do the same, we can create change through building greater connection, compassion, and collaboration. “What can I do to support you in being prepared and on time for the meeting tomorrow?”

PRACTICE L.F.O.A.

Think of a specific event that occurred recently. Describe the exact behavior you would like to see changed.

  • LOOK: Describe what you saw happen.
  • FEEL: What are some of the emotions you felt as a result of this happening?
    • What do you think the other person is feeling, and why?
  • OFFER: Is there something you can offer to do for this person to help get their needs met in a different way?
  • ASK: What specifically would you like them to do differently? Write down the S.M.A.R.T. alternate action that you would like them to take.

Restorative Communication LFOA Bullets.png

Examples

Here are some example sentences you can practice using to connect with someone and reach a mutual understanding that helps.

Image 2021-12-29 163133.png

SMART Agreements

Restorative omcmunication smart agreements.png

When you offer something and/or ask for something to reaceh a mutual understanding with someone, try to ensure that your offers and asks cover these criteria:

  • Specific: Describe exactly the behavior you want to seee.
  • Measurable: Give discreet amounts or countable things so that meeting the goal is clear.
  • Actionable: Make it something you can physically do.
  • Realistic: Is this a realistic expectation for this person at this time?
  • Timely: Timebox your request. Set a timeframe for it to happen in.

Global Kindness Initiative

WWW.KINDUS.ORG is the GKI site with more information and training if you want to learn more and organize a session for your organization.

GKI Restorative Communication Downloads

The above text is from the Global Kindness Initiative guides. Download them for yourself here:

Feelings

It can be hard to think of the right words to describe feelings for ourselves, let alone to guess how someone else is feeling.

The Center for Nonviolent Communication publishes a nice Feelings Inventory list:

Positive Feelings

Feelings when your needs are satisfied:

AFFECTIONATE compassionate friendly loving open hearted sympathetic tender warm

ENGAGED absorbed alert curious engrossed enchanted entranced fascinated interested intrigued involved spellbound stimulated

HOPEFUL expectant encouraged optimistic

CONFIDENT empowered open proud safe secure

EXCITED amazed animated ardent aroused astonished dazzled eager energetic enthusiastic giddy invigorated lively passionate surprised vibrant

GRATEFUL appreciative moved thankful touched

INSPIRED amazed awed wonder

JOYFUL amused delighted glad happy jubilant pleased tickled

EXHILARATED blissful ecstatic elated enthralled exuberant radiant rapturous thrilled

PEACEFUL calm clear headed comfortable centered content equanimous fulfilled mellow quiet relaxed relieved satisfied serene still tranquil trusting

REFRESHED enlivened rejuvenated renewed rested restored revive

Negative Feelings

Feelings when your needs are not satisfied

AFRAID apprehensive dread foreboding frightened mistrustful panicked petrified scared suspicious terrified wary worried

ANNOYED aggravated dismayed disgruntled displeased exasperated frustrated impatient irritated irked

ANGRY enraged furious incensed indignant irate livid outraged resentful

AVERSION animosity appalled contempt disgusted dislike hate horrified hostile repulsed

CONFUSED ambivalent baffled bewildered dazed hesitant lost mystified perplexed puzzled torn

DISCONNECTED alienated aloof apathetic bored cold detached distant distracted indifferent numb removed uninterested withdrawn

DISQUIET agitated alarmed discombobulated disconcerted disturbed perturbed rattled restless shocked startled surprised troubled turbulent turmoil uncomfortable uneasy unnerved unsettled upset

EMBARRASSED ashamed chagrined flustered guilty mortified self-conscious

FATIGUE beat burnt out depleted exhausted lethargic listless sleepy tired weary worn out

PAIN agony anguished bereaved devastated grief heartbroken hurt lonely miserable regretful remorseful

SAD depressed dejected despair despondent disappointed discouraged disheartened forlorn gloomy heavy hearted hopeless melancholy unhappy wretched

TENSE anxious cranky distressed distraught edgy fidgety frazzled irritable jittery nervous overwhelmed restless stressed out

VULNERABLE fragile guarded helpless insecure leery reserved sensitive shaky

YEARNING envious jealous longing nostalgic pining wistful

Needs

Describing what you need can be harder than just describing the feeling. CNVC has a Needs Inventory] list as well.

CONNECTION acceptance affection appreciation belonging cooperation communication closeness community companionship compassion consideration consistency empathy inclusion intimacy love mutuality nurturing respect/self-respect safety security stability support to know and be known to see and be seen to understand and be understood trust warmth

PHYSICAL WELL-BEING air food movement/exercise rest/sleep sexual expression safety shelter touch water

HONESTY authenticity integrity presence

PLAY joy humor

PEACE beauty communion ease equality harmony inspiration order

AUTONOMY choice freedom independence space spontaneity

MEANING awareness celebration of life challenge clarity competence consciousness contribution creativity discovery efficacy effectiveness growth hope learning mourning participation purpose self-expression stimulation to matter understanding

COMMUNICATION DOJO CLASSES

If you would like to learn connected conversation / NVC skills in a wonderful free/sliding scale class, Newt's Communication Dojo hosts a drop-in workshop every Monday night from 7-9PM.

Some features of the Communication Dojo practice environment:

  • Chances to use your real-life situations to guide experiential learning
  • Efficient use of group time to maximize learning
  • High proportion of practice time in pairs - learning communication by communicating.
  • Minimal "jargon" i.e. language that might be confusing or alienating for those not familiar with NVC.
  • Little likelihood of people developing any sense of "Doing it wrong" or "Trying to do it right."
  • Mixture of experience levels deepens practice and learning